rained out

I have a phobia.

I've had this phobia since college, and for the obvious reason, i've been asked by the universe, and the deepest part of myself to overcome this phobia.  This morning I was scheduled to teach a large outdoor class at Bryant Park, a-la Yoga On The Great Lawn.  With the threat of rain, it was Y@GL redux, as the Bryant Park class was canceled, and last year i was rained out too.

whew.

This fear is of microphones, and sorta of public speaking.  Hilarious, right?  I'm a yoga teacher.  I get up in front of sometimes (what I would consider) large groups of people, and talk to them. 
Prepping for last year's angst filled class, i asked Elena Brower, who is so experienced and skilled with large group teaching (even better now, I'll bet) for some pointers and advice.  She said "mind your p's and t's cause they pop.  You must remember to cover the mic if you have to cough or clear your throat.  Chanting is ok, but don't be alarmed that you can't hear them, they can hear you.  Speak from your heart and they will FEEL you".  It was great advice, and I was so ready.

But got rained out.  whew.

In a simple google search on 'fear of microphones', something called PPF - Paralyzing Presentation Fear, also associated with just the fear of public speaking, came up.  Who knew Fear of Microphones had a diagnosis? 

Some great tips I found on www.ezinearticles.com were fairly obvious, like do some breathing techniques before a presentation.  While I no longer really  have the huge fear of public speaking when I can't catch my breath, i do generally take time before all classes I teach to get centered.  If there's time and space, I'll meditate for a few minutes.  If not, I just get quiet, review my class plan, and breathe into the space I know and trust in myself.  

The first time I taught yoga, it was during our final presentation from Teacher Training with Amy Ippoliti, circa 2002.  We each had to teach one pose to the group.  That's it, one pose.  The poses got chosen randomly by Amy, and I got Tadasana.  Easy, right?  Mountain pose; basic, easy, simple.  Even when the poses were assigned, like, weeks before the actual date of our Final Presentation,  my anxiety was huge.  I mean sweating, heart-beating-fast, near paralyzing fear just thinking about having to teach this pose in front of my 25 peers.   We had to give a brief intro of our theme, then teach the pose to the group, and I'll never forget or appreciate enough the way my peers gathered around with such glee and pride for me in their eyes while I spoke of Tadasana, the mountain, and the majestic beauty and steadiness of our core that is always present.  And then i let it rip.  I truly don't remember what came out of my mouth as I was teaching, but something shifted, and I think it is because my heart knew the way. 

This article I read also spoke of a few more tips.  One was to know your material.  I think that's what happens when my heart knows the way.  Anytime you study something over a long period of time, knowledge builds, so confidence in that knowledge builds.  Abhyasa is the sanskrit word for 'practice over a long period of time',  and it references how things we embark upon usually don't come to fruition immediately.  Everything needs time to germinate, grow, and fully blossom.  Everything, so even things you're trying to get over, or rid of.  (See Bernie Birney's blog).  Along the way there may be some mistakes - I'm sure today I would've forgotten I was wearing a mic at some point when I had to clear my throat and blown everyone's eardrums, or just startled the heck out of myself.
Mistakes are intrinsic to abhyasa, and considered in the Tantric tradition to be part of the fullest full spectrum of possibility to see, witness and embody in this life.  Patanjali speaks to this in the Yoga Sutras (1.13-1.15), and says that through abhyasa, one reaches vairagya (no, not viagra, although my teacher thinks they may be linguistically related). Vairagya is considered 'non-attachment', but its also a learning to let go of the aversions and fears, and even the false beliefs that cloud the true Self.  And uh, yea, it takes time.

So it's taken some practice for sure.  Teaching steadily since that fateful March day in 2002, in front of my beloved teacher and my peers who, to this day, still stand in front of me with glee and pride in their eyes, I have grown.  Now I actually love teaching large groups because the bigger reason is bigger than my fear.  I love connecting to people.   Sharing with them my love of this practice, its teachings, and the wisdom from my teachers is priceless.  Seeing student's leave a class beaming with a renewed sense of their own beauty is pricelss. 

But that damn microphone is gonna have to wait.  Rain date: September?

how will i walk today?

In the midst of the turmoil happening in the Gulf, my teachers and peers are offering great and valuable insight toward a yogic way of dealing with this tragedy.  Unfortunately, this problem is long standing, and not going away soon.  You don't need to see another picture of a pelican drenched in oil to realize the scope.  It hurts, and it sucks to watch. 

My own response has been to be way more mindful in how I use all forms of energy.  External uses of energy like electricity, gasoline, and even money, along with my physical, emotional and spiritual energy.  I'm consciously holding myself away from those people and events that stress me out.  It's one of the greatest ways to physically stay cool in the alarming heat happening here in NY too. 

A recent teleconference with my teacher Paul made a simple, yet profound statement.  He was talking about what he called the 'seasons of sadhana', and how, as we increase our practices of yoga, pranayama, mantra recitation and especially meditation, we may face conflict and challenge in keeping on the path.  It's hard daily to create change when you've been doing something in a certain way for so, so long.  But he offered this bit of knowing, this small statement of wisdom and reverence to the shakti that is unstoppable, no matter the conflict inward:


How will I walk today?


So simple.  So profound.  As if to say, which way will I turn?  Which words will I choose?  Who will I choose to accompany me today?  All come back to the simplicity of thinking about how you choose each day to walk your path, to create your path and walk it, even when we want to give it up.  And boy, I've been challenged to give up many, many times.  


Now to make these changes in saving our energy, both the energy that gives us all the things that make us privileged on this planet, and the energy that makes us valuable to our families, students, peers, and kula. How do we do it?  Alone and together?  


Alone, I'm conserving everything whenever possible.  Like I said above, even my inner heart's resources and shakti from those people who try to rob me of it, or I tend to be very loose around and give it away to, often too freely, must be protected like a priceless resource. 

I've been thinking about the fossil fuels that are in our planet and we get all of our stuff from.  We certainly have benefited from foraging that fuel, in too many ways to count.  Obviously it's the abuse of our foraging that's gotten us into huge trouble.  While we do need it, everybody needs it and sees its value.  What is the fossil fuel innate to each of us that is invaluable, crucial to our survival, and worthy of using or giving away?  I say it's Love.  It's the ultimate source of what is unstoppable on our planet, and we need it for our survival.  Despite the challenge, daily sometimes, my practice has been to try walking every day, inviting that which is most high and beautiful and nourishing inside to be summoned forth into the world.


Speaking to my friend who is from New Orleans today, we thought together about the events as being simply an experience of rasa.  Rasa means 'essence' or 'taste', and it is often used to describe the myriad of emotional states (there are 9 rasas) that we experience.  I called them a 'soup', she called them a 'gumbo'.  Perfect way to describe how so many varied emotional responses can arise from a tragedy like this:


Shanta Rasa is the emotional state of peace, tranquility.  
Shringara Rasa is passionate love.
Hasya is laughter or lightheartedness.
Raudra is fury, anger.
Karuna is compassion.
Bhibatsam is disgust, or aversion.
Bhayanaka is horror, terror.
Vira rasa is heroic.
Adbhuta is wonder, or amazement.

The point of studying the Rasas, from a Tantric perspective, is to come to appreciate and acknowledge the 'soup' we live in.  The daily soup moves and changes, perhaps through all of them (as any young or new mother), and our work in the yoga is to navigate them.  Figure out which rasa is worthy of lingering in, and for how long.  My New Orleans friend was saying that right now, people could use a bit more Bhibatsam (disgust) in them, so radical change could be made.  When angry and disgusted enough, you'll make change.  The rasas are here for us to grow more empowered in our state of affairs, not simply sit in the hot soup of it all. 

So how will you walk today?

A portal

While last Tuesday was the Solstice, this past Saturday we experienced a partial lunar eclipse.  Eclipses are pretty powerful no matter when they occur, and astrologers call them 'portals'.  I see them functioning as black holes since they draw energies into intense action for change, deconstruction, and transformation of all kinds.

Astrology to some is a lark, and those who study astrology get labeled bad fortune tellers sometimes.  I myself see it as the perfect balanced alignment between science and art.  The science of reading the sky is interpreted many different ways, and each astrologer offers something unique.  My fav as of late is Divine Harmony, and I always love the humor and insight of Rob Brezney.  (I miss his columns in NYC!) 

As a portal for change, eclipses can bring quickening energy, so like a black hole which sucks things toward it and gets faster the closer you get to it, the days and months prior to the eclipse can do the same.  Perhaps you have felt some kind of transit as far back as January or February of this year?  I know I did.  For me, I'm into anything that offers insight and empowerment in making more conscious choices that will assist the changes.  The yoga of astrology!

While eclipses can be so potent, disorienting even because they move things quickly, what's great to remember is the teaching of purna.  Purna is sanskrit for 'fullness' or 'completeness', and refers to the 100 percent-ness of our nature.   Whatever our soul or life needs, we are sufficiently suited to serve that change, even if things move at rapid pace.  The changes on the outside may seem 'good' or
'bad', but dealing with a your own rebirth or metaphoric death is where yoga steps in.  Purna teaches that we have what it takes to assist the flow, and deal with the results.  At this time, we're all being asked to step up into the next level.  Ushered there by nature, its hard to ignore. 

ps - total eclipse of the sun happens on July 11th.  A potent day of rebirth for me.  More soon.

check out Divine Harmony's blog:  inharmonyastrology.blogspot.com

New York's One Heart

 Tuesday nights amazing event on the Great Lawn did everything it set out to do, even though it may have been the shortest largest yoga class in the US!  The performers were inspiring, funny and completely represented New York culture while thousands of yogis shuffled into the park.  And I mean thousands.  My favorite part was being able to see and feel the entire tribe of yoga come together, completely free of all boundaries. 

Then Elena rocked it for 10 minutes!   The parks department shut the event down, and the skies opened up.  Like a perfect cleansing. 

Honoring the event this week in class, we'll finish the class.
Until the rain date is set...

Check out this clip from Ch. 11 news

momentum

Today will be a day in New York history when 10,000 +  align and entrain on the Great Lawn in Central Park for a yoga class and other performances marking the Summer Solstice.   Created by Flavorpill, they tell us that the registered number is up to 12,5k already, but knowing new yorkers with busy lives and the forecast predicting thunderstorms, it may shrivel to the original number of 10k.  Still... woa!  The convergence of that much shakti will surely bring ripples of something through our sultry streets.  I'm so excited to be assisting this event, and the buzz has been building for weeks (now, days).  Collective consciousness, New York style.  Gotta love it.

The Solstice is the middle of the year, the height of light beaming down upon us, and like a birthday of sorts.  I treat it as a time to see where I've been placing momentum, and see if its serving me.  I do that on birthdays too, since it allows perspective for where I'm going.  Since Solstice is primarily when nature is also at its fullest and we experience the longest day of the year, there's a natural pull to move, to be outside, to love!  The question is, what's moving?  Is it the right thing moving for you at this time?

There is a Buddhist saying "The cart will follow the ox", and it's about momentum.  You'll go where your mind is going, and patterns are there because you've put time and energy there.   Force fields entrain, and the higher frequency field of thought, word, or action will always lead the weaker one.  So on this Solstice, I'm looking at what I've been focusing on, and asking myself, does it still serve?

I'm stoked that Anusara Yoga is headlining this event through Elena Brower's voice, presence and sweet bhavana.    I can think of no one better skilled to hold the space for the New York yoga community to align with our highest intentions at this critical time in our global economy, politics, and environmental concerns.   Lets do it people - set the tone from here on out and guide your cart in the direction for greater harmony and love.  One Om.  10,000 people. 

oh, and my parents will be here.  Another monumental event! 

om namahshivaya

Julie and Susanna lost somewhere in the forest of the Tillai trees.

The subtext

Alright, i'm on board. 

After many requests for me to start a blog, here it is.  Like my initial foray into Facebook, i see this as an experiment in how to fuel remembrance of connection - to the kula, to our family, to friends we thought long gone, and to the wisdom in our hearts.  And it feels like it will be a good outlet to expand upon my oft times wildly deep themes in class.  I've got to keep those intros brief you know, we've got asana to do.


I'm fascinated by mythology.  It's actually what initially drew me to Anusara® Yoga, primarily through the story of Nataraja.  Amy Ippoliti was my first Anusara teacher at Crunch gym on Broadway, and I'll never forget the day she animated the tale of the great lord Shiva as the dancer in the forest of the Tillai trees.  The myth spoke to the wanderings of my own heart, and what it was for me a decade ago or more to be seeking an ecstatic experience of joy.  I'm still seeking the ecstatic experience, daily!   Now I've been taught by great teachers and masters of many traditions how to find it.  Look inside the heart, and underneath the mist.  Look for the subtext of the story.


Mythology is everywhere, especially on TV.  I will happily admit to being a "Lostie".  I friggin' loved the show, and anyone in my classes last week heard me speak of why.  Mostly its a fantastic premise of the possibilities in life.  What would happen if... you had to form a society with people you don't know and didn't choose to be with.  So un-like our modern lives where we live more in the paradigm of choice.  So the show presented challenges of simply how to get along.


In Hindu myths, often the scenes of gods, demons, heroines and sages are battling, and battling the same things.  Their stories take place on battlefields, in dense forests, in the vastness of the sky, or the wild churnings of the oceans.   The Island in Lost had all of these elements.  Wandering through the jungle is roaming the inner landscape of your emotions, and things always got heated on those long walks, day or night, for the characters.   The oceans in Hindu myth are mirrors of the great flow of consciousness itself, and when it stirs or even churns wildly, it's the call of the great Light to awaken inside your own very heart.  How could you not wander into your own reflection when staring out at the beauty of the wild sea? 


My conclusion of the show Lost was as obvious as everyone else's (even before Jacob actually said this);  these were people we knew, (or even some of us) who were so disconnected from their heart, they felt 'lost'; purposeless, skeptical of life's goodness, ignorant to the laws of life, and simply had lack of faith.


The great sage Paramahansa Yogananda teaches 3 paths to healing the Being through yoga, and gaining freedom from a variety of suffering.  He first teaches to heal the physical body.  Many traditions and cultures teach this.  When the body is well fed and taken care of, physiological functioning returns on all levels (Hello, Jack Shepard was an MD).  The second thing Yogananda teaches to heal is the mental constructs that make disease, like fear and anger.  But deeper, the psychological bad habits that we all fall into like failure consciousness, feeling a lack of initiative, and lack of confidence (In my opinion? John Locke).  The third thing he offers is the healing of Spiritual diseases like indifference, and spiritual blindness.  'Lost' was a great myth of the 3 Paths of Life, and each character went through some kind of awakening as a yogi (and I won't say more in case any of you are going to catch it on Netflix).

Remember we define 'yoga' in Anusara not as 'union', referring to a prior separateness, but as engagement.  From the Shiva Shakti Tantric perspective, the body, heart and mind are already in union with the Divine. Shiva, the great Absolute, the Supreme is simply manifest as You, as Shakti, and the two remain in communion in you as you for as long as she'll breathe you.  The terms of our Island, our life, are a given.  Deal with when you don't have choice, and must accept.  Our yoga is simply to awaken to this experience of communing with the Divine and engage it fully, in the shadows of the forest, and the clarity of the sea.  Each character rediscovered or renewed their sense of purpose, their dharma, from the interaction with the Dharma Initiative.  And man, it's a long, very challenging journey, but so worth while.


This is going to be fun.